Sunday, July 11, 2004

Dating, Part Three

Not believing in god or destiny, I believe it's up to us to make things happen for ourselves. But after having tried many methods to find a lasting relationship, I'm about to conclude that this is the one area in which there is nothing I can do. A friend once said to me, "Regina, I have a lot of friends who say they wish they were in a relationship, but none of them have tried as hard as you have."

I have found that the following activities do nothing to increase my chances of finding a relationship: dating, blind dating, online dating, speed dating, using the personal ads, taking classes, doing volunteer work, having hobbies, going to church, joining a political group, joining a fitness club, looking gorgeous at all my public music performances, and just staying home. I have also tried thinking positively, having faith, taking action, surrendering to God's will (when I believed in god), extensive personal growth work, and just letting it go and forgetting about the whole thing. None of these things seems to make any difference.

The guy who runs the corner gyros place had this to say on the subject of me finding a partner, "You won't have any problem. You're beautiful." In response I sighed, "You'd think that would make a difference, wouldn't you?" Being beautiful doesn't make a difference. Think about all the married people you know. Isn't it an equal mix of attractive and not-so-attractive, sharp and dull, interesting and boring, fat and thin? Isn't the married population just a reflection of the population in general? If there were any correlation between marriage and prettiness, married people would tend to be prettier than single people, right? But they're not. There's no correlation between anything and anything.

I am also forming a hypothesis about marriage and love. I suspect that the lasting love that forms between two people who are truly matched as partners (some use terms like "soul mates") is rare. Since marriage is common, this leads me to suspect that most marriages don't have the long-lasting, "soul mate" kind of partnership. This theory is supported by the high divorce rate and the high incidence of lasting yet unhappy marriages.

I have until now thought my possibilities were either being happily married to a true life partner or being unhappily single and without that partner. Now that I realize that the chances of finding a true life partner ("soul mate") are quite small, I can see that the real choices are being single and without a life partner, or being married and without a life partner. And, hey, what do you know -- it turns out I've made the best choice for myself after all, since I'd much rather be single and alone than in a marriage with someone who doesn't feel like a true partner. I hear the most painful loneliness is the loneliness people feel when they are in a marriage.

When you wish upon a star,
It makes no difference who you are.
When you wish upon a star,
Your dreams might or might not come true in a godless, random universe.

Actually, I do believe some goals can be reached with perseverance and hard work. Career, money and other such achievements are simply a matter of having the vision, resources and stamina. But when it comes to romance, strategizing just hasn't worked for me. It's a sobering view, but having completed a thorough inner search that has turned up nothing in me that is causing my aloneness, all I can conclude is that the reason is out there somewhere, beyond my control. It either happens or it doesn't, and nothing I do can affect it.

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