Tuesday, November 16, 2004

note 2

I apologize for making anyone feel nervous with my suicide post. It was not a "cry for help," but a discussion of some things I think about. I appreciate the comments and emails of those who responded as if it were a cry for help. I know these things have to be taken seriously because you never know and it's better to respond as if it were a crisis than assume it's not when it is. But I'm okay.

I feel particularly grateful to Lawrence for his comment on my suicide post. Only his response didn't seem to have a "suicide is horrible/selfish/pointless, don't do it" tone to it. I appreciated his comment that the brain is just an organ like the liver and it doesn't have a supernatural dimension with a special power over the body. And I really liked this comment from Lawrence: "Suicide is not consistently preventable. What irks some left behind, is that they feel powerless. But their feelings are not the main point. What is most important to the suicidal person is that THEY feel empowered themselves to choose." THANK you. That is a huge part of why I'm discussing this at all. I need to see suicide as an option even if it's one I never consider. Another person who commented said he knows that the way a depressed person thinks cannot be argued or changed. That's true. When I'm depressed and convinced that I'm screwed for life, it's impossible to talk me out of it. Now, I know the true reality is that I always have choices and plenty of them. But when I'm in the shit, I believe the following: "There's absolutely nothing I can do to change anything." When I'm in that state, the option of suicide is empowering because if suicide is an option, then the statement "There's absolutely nothing I can do to change anything." becomes false. Do you see? Do you see why I need that? Anybody?

I am an angry person. I inherited rage and have added to it over the last 38 years. I know suicide is an act of anger and revenge. I know it's the stupidest thing you can do with your life. I know it devastates those who are left behind. I know that if you believe in "karma" or "reincarnation" or whatever, suicide only prolongs the pain your soul stays in after you're dead (as ridiculous as that sounds to me, there are those who believe it). I know it's a bad idea, doesn't solve anything, some see it as a "permanent solution to a temporary problem" (I don't believe that either), etc. etc. I know, I know. And I still need to hold it in my mind as an option for those times when I need to see something as an option.

I also wonder if anyone is interested in engaging on this subject in a more philosophical way? If I promise, promise, promise that I'm not writing these things because I've bought the razor blades, can someone respond to me as if this is an intellectual exercise, like a college philosophy class assignment? If a person has a "God"-given RIGHT to live, doesn't a person also have a "God"-given right to die? Are we not the stewards of our own futures? Is it my right to decide everything else I do, but not my right to end it all? Is a human being not entitled to choose their death the same way a human being is entitled to choose their own life? There are people willing to break the law and go to jail and die in order to stop abortions because they believe every fetus deserves a chance to live. Are we not also allowed a chance to die?

This the last thing Lawrence wrote that I like: "Hopelessness is not necessarily rational, but then neither is hope." Lawrence is starting his own blog. I'll be watching for it.

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