Friday, May 13, 2005

How to constantly, constantly, constantly date but never actually find a boyfriend

As a dating and relationship expert on how to do everything wrong and wield desperation as an impenetrable shield, I now share my wisdom with you. Girls, follow these rules and you're guaranteed to never get any decent relationship off the ground. And it's so much fun. I'm almost 39, have been dating for 23 years and just can't tell you how much I look forward to the next 23.

1. Use your fantasies about how blissful other couples are as a model for the kind of relationship you’re looking for. Hollywood fairy-tale ending movies are perfect for this. Watch lots of them.

2. Size up everyone you meet all the time, building your judgement skills and perfecting your ability to find out what’s wrong with them.

3. Always trust a first instinct that tells you not to date someone and never trust a first instinct that tells you to go ahead and date someone.

4. Compare every man against your long list of requirements for a boyfriend/husband.

5. Act the way you think he wants you to act.

6. If he does anything to turn you off -- anything at all -- dump him.

7. Seek approval of your date from others. If anyone dislikes anything about him, dump him.

8. If you go on a date with a guy you decide you like, turn down all other date offers no matter how wonderful they are. You must focus all husband-hunting energy on that first guy, insisting that you two be exclusive immediately and fully explore whether the two of you can be together forever. FOREVER. Only when you’ve completely destroyed all hope of a relationship with your fevered desperation, then you can go on to date someone else. If you like the next guy, repeat this process. Do this over and over and over again. Let decades pass doing this over and over and over again.

9. On these dates be sure to constantly view the guy as your potential husband. Feel pressured to love every little thing about him. Pressure him to love every little thing about you. When you realize you can’t love every little thing about him (or vice versa), dump him.

10. Regularly consider the huge amount of time and effort it will take to establish the relationship you want. Stay focused on how impossible it really is. Know you will always be alone.

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