Thursday, September 01, 2005

For now

(Response to Modigli's question about how things are going with my "beau.")

I’m afraid I spoke too soon when I wrote that I was seeing someone who might fit the description of “boyfriend.” Here’s why I dated him for six months:

1. Very funny: he made me laugh and that’s HUGE.

2. Heart of gold: generous, patient, loving, affectionate. Just a very, very good man.

3. Optimistic: believed the best of everyone, of me, of life. Had no fear of things I constantly worry about (what others are thinking, if I'll die alone, if the movie theater will be too cold, etc.). I felt safer when I was with him.

4. Emotionally available and geniunely interested in a long-term relationship.

5. Crazy about me.

6. A true gentleman who knew how to cherish and adore: let me know just how he felt about me, also generous with gifts and nice restaurants, never let me touch a door handle or carry a bag, etc.

7. Strong caretaking skills: helped me out when waitressing wasn’t bringing in enough money, fixed stuff in my apartment that had been broken for YEARS, said he just wanted to make my life easier. He said he just wanted to make my life easier! Oh, winning words.

Here’s why I finally realized that dating him, no matter for how long, wasn’t going to turn into a romance:

1. We rarely talked and I felt no intellectual compatibility with him.

2. We rarely talked and I felt little emotional connection with him.

3. We rarely talked and it made me feel lonely. Then bored. Then I knew it was time to move on.

4. Because he wasn’t a conversationalist and didn’t talk a lot, I had no way to really know him on the inside: his thoughts, his life philosophy, his dreams and fears, the depth of his experiences. When I would ask him about these things I would get brief answers that indicated that he just didn’t conceptualize things as I do. I would then feel frustrated and he’d feel confused by my questions and then he’d feel bad because he knew his answers disappointed me.

Sooo...

The bad news: I’m still a bad horse to bet on.

The good news: after this breakup, I don’t feel the gnawing need to go searching for another man. That horrible screaming certainty that I’m unloveable seems to be, at least temporarily, silenced. I’m at peace! This relationship seems to have somehow convinced the rattling insecurity inside me that I AM loveable, happiness IS possible for me, and I’m just fine as I am. I’m not one half looking for another half: I am whole just like this.

Sweet chocolate Jesus. I’m healed. For now.

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