Sunday, October 16, 2005

Still

Although I finally stopped believing there's something wrong with me because I've never been married, I still feel deeply disappointed and discouraged that, at the age of 39, I've never fallen in love or found someone to share my life with. It's a discouragement that often feels like bitterness and the bitterness probably masks the fear that my heart doesn't work the way it's supposed to because I've dated men who were crazy about me and wanted to marry me, but I broke up with all of them because I didn't feel crazy about them and I didn't want to marry them. My friend Kenn once asked me if I'd ever dated anyone I wanted to marry and the answer was no. I'm almost 40 and I've dated hundreds of men and had many relationships, but I've never fallen in love and I'm afraid that indicates that I can't.

I've got to find a way to re-frame this, to see it differently, to feel okay about my solitary status. I wish I could not go into a rage whenever someone tells me, "It happens when you least expect it" or "It happens when you stop looking" or "Just focus on yourself and being happy on your own and it'll happen." At this point I want to scream whenever I hear that that kind of thing because people have been telling me that stuff for ten years, but following that advice doesn't make any difference. I've tried following every piece of advice I've ever received on the subject, including "Just stop thinking about it!" so now that kind of advice just feeds my destructive anger, which on bad days turns into the depression.

In a Sex and the City episode, Samantha Jones says, "I'm not a relationship person." Maybe I'm not either, but I miss sex. And now I'm going to go eat a cake, probably an entire one.

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