Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Whining, minutiae-filled, boring

On Tuesday I cancelled a chiropractor's appointment I had for that afternoon because my digestion felt fine. Within @#$-damn 90 minutes I had a pain in my right ankle that was bad enough to have me limping. What the hell? But I hesitated to get my appointment back because I'd had so little sleep for the previous two nights: I really needed a nap before my 4:30 work shift began. The appointment or the nap? I went for the nap.

But the ankle didn't feel any better as I left for my work shift. All night, with every step, the pain reminded me of the mistake I'd made in cancelling that appointment. I felt so disappointed in myself. Plus I hate being in pain. Whenever anything bothers me, I constantly worry that it's my fault and it will never, ever go away and it's the beginning of my whole body falling apart and it's my fault.

By the time I limped home last night at 11:00 p.m. (having earned $35 dollars for my trouble) I felt so tired and defeated and certain that I had totally screwed up by cancelling that appointment. If only I'd kept it. If only this pain had started an hour and a half earlier, so I wouldn't have cancelled it.

I took a sleeping pill and finally got enough sleep last night/this morning. This week I wasn't scheduled to work today or tomorrow which would probably give my ankle time to heal. But on Monday I picked up a shift for tonight. And last night, determined to get out of working on Labor Day, I switched shifts with someone and that means I work on Thursday, too. So instead of taking it easy today and tomorrow, I'll have to keep working on this ankle. And then I work on Friday and Saturday nights, too.

I hate myself. I've had cake for breakfast and lunch today.

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