Sunday, February 27, 2011

When I clean the toilet

When I clean the toilet, I close my eyes. I go into a deep state of denial about what I'm doing and imagine that I'm scrubbing an already sparkling clean toilet. I work hard on every inch to guarantee that when I do open my eyes, all I'll see is a gleaming surface.

I make sure to scrub the underside of the bowl and the entire base, especially before parties. I always fear someone getting sick and kneeling before our toilet or worse, lying next to it, and seeing a dirty outside of the toilet. I can't allow that to happen.

Once I was crouched next to the bowl, working on the base, when I realized that in my effort and concentration, I had allowed the tip of my tongue to stick out of my mouth. It was inches from the surface of the bowl! I pulled it in.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Lifting depression

Here is how I'm different: I'm smiling more, laughing more and talking more. I sleep well and my daytime energy is great. I worry less, even while my personal life has recently increased in stress. At times this new peace has been unsettling because I'm not used to feeling such lightness and joy. Happiness feels foreign. This kind of humor reminds me of falling in love or the way I felt right after the ayurvedic panchakarma treatment in 2009. That made me feel really happy like this afterwards, but it didn't last. If only this could last!

I told my husband, "Do street drugs make you feel better than this? Because if they do, I don't need 'em!" When people ask me "How are you?" I answer from the heart, "I'm good!" I haven't truly meant that in years. I've always thought that people who go around heartily and cheerfully greeting the world were bizarre freaks of nature, but I'm turning into one of them.

This new me is a result of eight intensive months of EMDR treatment, using EFT, talk therapy and finding the medication that works for me. I wonder how my life might have been different, damn it, if I had put this particular combination together for myself years ago.

Here is my advice: if one anti-depressant doesn't work for you (eg. no effect, bad effects, etc.), keep trying different ones until you find what really works for you! Don't let the doctor say there are no more options. I kept saying I needed something else until we finally got it right. Yay, me!

Life is good. That's a simple statement that countless people spew casually or wear on their clothing, but I have never in my life believed it. I was sure they were stupid or deluded, but now I might be one of them! If being stupid or deluded also means feeing happy, I'll take it. I don't care because I feel good. This particular combination of therapies and meds have finally shifted my former view of myself and my life. Hard work with an EMDR therapist has finally gotten me, at the age of 44 and a half, to finally believe I'm good. I don't deserve the worst. Life doesn't always suck. I don't suck. I know those negative beliefs were never true, but you couldn't have convinced me of it. EMDR finally got me to see it on my own.

I am so grateful for this. The second half of my life looks so much better than the first half! (If I live to 89.)

Wednesday, February 02, 2011


It was still coming down at 1 p.m.

Yes, that's our car I'm standing next to.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

White like heaven

BLIZZARD! This is why I moved to the Midwest in 1993. Oh, yeah.

I experienced my first blizzard in Ithaca, New York in 1993. It was great. My second was here in Chicago in 1999, but by coincidence I was very ill and spent the whole time in bed. This is my first exciting snowstorm of the new century. I would have been disappointed if this one had passed us by.

I've stocked up on food and my company gave us the day off work tomorrow. I've got my Kindle plus a paper book, so I'm ready for a day of staying inside. I love staying inside. I love winter.