Sitting in my weekly EFT tapping circle, I tapped as I listened to topics like family dynamics, self-nurture and the feeling of not being good enough. As I tapped, my feelings of not being good enough and being too fat, grew.
"I really hate myself," I thought, as I tapped.
"No, my inner critic really hates me," I realized a moment later.
"No, my inner critic hates everyone," I thought as I remembered that my mental criticism includes the whole world. I constantly have judgments about what everyone's wearing and what they look like, but I never questioned where those opinions came from. I'm starting to realize how completely I learned to be highly critical of everyone at all times, especially of me, but these aren't all my views. The critical voice in my head is probably a blend of every critical voice I've ever heard in my life and every critical opinion anyone has ever taught me, from "don't sit that way" to "too much salt will kill you."
Sadly, it's been damn hard for me to distinguish between the inner critic and my own natural opinions that are really me. When I start thinking "This is the fattest I've ever been," I believe I'm just being practical and honest. And I start feeling bad.
But I'm making a change. When I start thinking "This is the fattest I've ever been" I will identify that as the inner critic and I will step away from the sentiment. I am not my inner critic. I don't hate me: my inner critic does, and if I keep in mind that my inner critic hates everyone, I can stop taking it personally. There are plenty of people who love me no matter what my weight is. My inner critic cruelly hounds me no matter what my weight is. I've weighed 125 pounds and that critic still told me I was too fat, so screw it!
I've been working for decades on this concept of "negative thinking" and how I need to weed it out of my regular thinking. For decades I had no idea what any of that meant. I thought it was just me in my head, criticizing myself with statements ("my stomach is way too big") that were objective and practical and truthful. I'm only now, at the age of 46, starting to see that such merciless psychological flogging is not a natural or reasonable thing to do. This negativity did not originate in my mind, but was installed there by everyone who ever showed me judgment and criticism. It's time to stop this constant flow of internal nitpicking that's just plain mean.
These days I tap on: 1) There are many people who love me no matter what size I am; 2) I love me no matter what size I am; 3) My inner critic hates me no matter what size I am, so I'm done trying to please it. (There's also a dog that doesn't seem to care what size I am.)
I wish my inner critic would die completely because that just might guarantee me a happy life, but I know the inner critic also has its uses (sometimes I really shouldn't sit that way). But on body issues it hasn't done me any good at all -- not when I was thin and not now that I'm chubby. So on this subject I permanently dismiss my inner critic from the table. So there.