Saturday, April 20, 2013

Depression, Part 6,000

It takes me down. It takes me right down and I have no idea what the trigger was. What's the reason for this bleak mood? Maybe there isn't any. I've fallen and I can't get up. Even sugar won't be my friend these days. It's stopped helping, leaving me locked in an ice-grip of anger and self-disgust. Why doesn't it lift? Why doesn't it lift? Emotional Freedom Technique, yoga, meditation, affirmations, writing, talking. None of it has made a difference. Or has it? Would I be even worse without those things? 

Depression makes me unpleasant. I wish I could just pull the covers over my head so I don't bother anyone until this lifts. Why doesn't it lift? This was the weekend my dad was supposed to come visit, but then he had to change his plans. Is that part of it? 

I feel hungry right now, but I don't feel like eating. I can't think of anything I feel like eating right now. Nothing appeals to me. If I didn't have my EFT tapping circle at 11 AM, it's possible that I wouldn't leave the apartment today. Being depressed while married is even worse than being depressed single.

I hate this. It's been days. Days of tapping and Bach flower remedies and homeopathy and meditation and of course my fluoxetine. It's not like I'm off my meds. I hate that depressive episodes can descend even when I'm on everything I'm supposed to be on.

I'm a depressed blob right now. So be it.

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