Friday, November 22, 2013

I hate myself no more

A month ago, I began reading Dr. Joe Dispenza’s Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One. It explains how our thoughts and feelings affect our physical and material state. He basically says that with focus and meditation you can change anything about yourself, no matter how entrenched, and reinvent yourself on a fundamental level.  If you read his book and truly want to do this, on his website for five bucks you can download the meditation that accompanies the book.

At the end of October I began the meditation exercises, committing to meditating every day. Dispenza says to start by choosing an emotion that you want to be free from. I chose self-hatred, the emotion at the bottom of every one of my depressions. Doing some research on self-hatred, I learned that feeling hatred toward anyone will feed hatred towards the self. Oh, great, I thought, Now I’m back to my mother issues. I knew my lifelong anger towards my mother was part of this, but I felt at a loss as to what to do about it.

By Saturday night of the IMPACT weekend (an intense self-defense course I took), I felt desperate. I was sick of the critic in my head that hated me, but beating up self-defense instructors wasn’t going to help. I did my nightly meditation that Saturday, but also ended up tapping (EFT), crying and begging my subconscious to please help me stop hating myself.

The following night I dreamt about a mother being forced against her will by an employer to abandon her children. When I woke up, my anger and hatred of my mother had left me. The dream gave me the clarity to see that my mother had loved me with all her heart and had been forced to abandon me just like the mother in my dream. But instead of a job or another person taking my mother away, her personality disorder did (I believe my mother suffered from borderline personality disorder but since she was never diagnosed I can’t say for certain). My mother had no control over her emotions and reactions and never even realized she needed professional help. By the end of her life she had driven many family members away including me, but that wasn’t her intention. She was as much a victim of her disorder as anyone else and was never able to see that her relationships were fractured because of her own destructive patterns. For the rest of the day, I remembered my mother’s loving side and good moments, and I realized she had never hurt me on purpose. I marveled at the change, but had to face the truth: my hatred towards my mother was gone!

I wish I could say I continued to feel better and better that week, but Dispenza’s right: once you undo the old emotional pattern you were stuck in, a part of you will fight to put it back in place. Not upset with my mother anymore, my hatred turned back on myself worse than ever. For the rest of that week I felt self-loathing and self-disgust. I felt like I was moving backwards in my emotional growth and it scared me. I kept tapping, meditating and journaling and white-knuckled my way through the week.

Last weekend I managed to break through the self-hatred and went on to the next part of Dispenza’s meditation. After that I reached another level of peacefulness and have been feeling better than ever. I can’t explain it nearly as well as Dr. Dispenza, but I am freeing myself from the anger and hatred I’ve felt my whole life towards my mother and myself. I am doing this by accessing my subconscious so I can stop my old destructive behaviors and begin new, healthy ones.

It’s so exciting to feel good about myself every day. It’s so nice to relax into my body and know that I’m just fine just the way I am. This has been a great week and I believe that if I continue the daily meditating, the new behaviors and working with my subconscious, I will reach a new way of being. I will effortlessly love and accept myself completely, in every way. I will be kind to myself and everyone else. I won't need my old addictions like sugar and drama. Maybe. Maybe I will really do this.

P.S. Remember this story I wrote just a few weeks ago? This was an anger-driven story and I don't think I could write it today. I don't know if it's good or bad that I managed to get it out when I did.

2 comments:

Selana said...

Regina, your transformation has been incredible to say the least. You have taken your mind and rehabilitated it! You have taken your mind BACK from the nether regions of hatred and self loathing! I wish I could shout that from the roof top.

If you had lost a bunch of weight or overcome some type of debilitating disease you would have been celebrated by friends, maybe even ended up on a local news piece.

But since the inner workings of our beings are mysterious and under-evaluated, you will have to live with my humble awe of what you have accomplished.

There will still be days when you run into challenges and unfortunately, there is still work to do...(is it ever truly finished?) But you are one of the few who has actually reaped some of the results constantly touted by so many self help advertisements. I'm proud to call you my friend.

Regina Rodríguez-Martin said...

Thank you, Selana! You're right: if I'd beat cancer or something I'd be publicly noteworthy, but these kinds of things don't make the news. I very much appreciate your awe. I'm happy to be your friend. Thank you SO much for your support.