Thursday, February 06, 2014

One day til divorce

Because of my impending divorce, my blog will now descend into personal reflection, whining and boring details. I hope this will not last more than a few days. Please stand by for better content.

I'm continuing to let the emotions roll through me as they come up. I'm giving the baby who lives in the apartment below me some stiff competition for Llorona of the Week, but at least I do my bawling before 10 p.m. When I feel bad I stop whatever I'm doing and let the emotions out. I do this by focusing on the anger or sadness or guilt, tapping and often crying. This means I'm spending extra time in the women's room at work, but I get some of my best crying done on public transportation. When you're among strangers who don't want to get involved, weeping in public is as good as doing it in a private room.

I feel angry at my post-husband for never letting me in and giving me a real chance.
I already miss all the wonderful things I love about him.
I'm heartbroken about the great times that aren't coming back.
I feel guilty about moving out and leaving him (even though he initiated our split).
I still feel responsible for making sure he's okay.
I even feel guilty about abandoning his dog, can you believe it?

And I'm furious about recently realizing that I never completely knew who this man was. Since we split, I've been getting to know him in a new way and I now realize that for the duration of our dating and marriage, he never revealed certain things about himself that I revealed to him about me. I don't know whether that was because he wasn't comfortable with himself or because he was afraid I'd reject him or what, but it feels horrible to realize that I did not fully know who I was married to. It's actually kind of humiliating. So why am I blogging it for the world to see, for christ-sake? I guess to let other women in the same situation know that they're not the only idiots.

So this is divorce. Fascinating. Eye-opening. Icky.

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