Thursday, March 27, 2014

Non-anniversary

Tuesday, March 25th would have been my sixth wedding anniversary. The divorce was final on 7 February, so this is my first non-anniversary. I wasn't expecting this week to be so hard, but I keep remembering what I was doing six years ago. Thinking about Bob makes me sad and what's startling is that it's a pure sadness without anger or feelings of abandonment or longing for reconciliation. I suspect this is grief.

Last night this feeling overtook me and I just bawled, feeling sad for me and for Bob. I wept as I remembered that we were each lonely and then we found each other and it was good. Then it wasn't so good and then it ended. This struck me as the saddest story and I couldn't stop crying. Did it matter that I was on the Chicago red line elevated train during rush hour? No. I tapped and wept and blew my nose and no one sat anywhere near me. I appreciated being left alone. Weeping in public among strangers can be just as private as being in my own room.

I'd never felt grief like that before. It was way worse than sadness and maybe even worse than depression, as I experience it. Now I understand why people drink, do drugs, retreat into anger or shut down in other ways in order to avoid grief. It's clear why the tradition is to stay angry at your ex for as long as possible because once the anger burns off the real pain begins.

The sadness lingers today and what makes it worse is that the hole in the roof of my mouth still hurts. Healing from this gum graft has been much more painful than the first one; I don't know why. My emotional pain makes me want to buy a frosted layer cake and dig in, but my physical pain makes eating and drinking difficult, so I guess I won't eat my way through this. I just have to go through it.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Reg, hang in there. Your friends love you and are here for you. I'm sorry that the grief is so hard. Elisa

Olga Becker said...

Some say that going through divorce is painful -- and maybe most of them are right. But in my opinion, the real journey begins the moment your divorce has been approved. Because that is the moment that you and your husband will officially be separated. It can be difficult, because every day can remind you of him just like this day. But you’re a strong woman, and I know you can cope up all the pain you have now. Stay strong!

Olga Becker @ Upton & Hatfield

Regina Rodríguez-Martin said...

Thanks, Olga. I realized quite a while ago that I wasn't going to be one of those women with a 25-year relationship to cuddle up with at night, but sometimes it hurts. I appreciate your words.