Saturday, April 12, 2014

How's unmarried life treating me?

I'm continuing to go through the process of unplugging emotionally from my ex-husband and his dog and focusing on me. Like many women, I really centered myself on my marriage and how I could improve myself and our relationship. Unsurprisingly, I wanted to talk about things more than my husband did. Unable to communicate with him, I focused on me, but felt stymied when my meditation, talk therapy, support groups and self-help books didn't result in the marriage getting better. People now tell me that what it comes down to is that just one person can't improve a marriage; it takes both people. If only heavy drinking and smoking improved a marriage. Then we both would have been doing our share.

Besides getting in touch with my anger over how hard I worked on my marriage and how little time and attention I got from someone working 60+ hours a week, I've been pulling my focus back to me. Even after our divorce was finalized on February 7th, I continued to worry about Bob's living situation, financial situation, work environment, health and dog. He would call me regularly, just to chat, and it was very friendly and nice, but after the phone calls I'd find myself trying to think of how I could help Bob out or what might be done about whatever he had complained about. Talking to him regularly, as amicable as it was, was keeping me from putting myself first. Putting yourself first is pretty important when you're the only one who's going to do it.

Since the phone calls have stopped I've felt lighter. It's as if I had been carrying Bob and his dog around at the back of mind and they were taking up too much space. It feels good to take that attention and concern and spend it on me. How was my day today? Am I getting enough sleep? How's my health? Is my job going well? What would I like for dinner? These are much more appropriate questions for me than anything that has to do with my ex-husband or his dog, Ozzie (especially since it was Bob who chose to end the marriage).

So here I am. The center of my life once again. That might sound funny to those who have been reading this blog over the years. How much more self-centered does it get than to be blogging about myself regularly? Well, there's self-centered and there's self-caring. I need to do more of the latter.


Howard Kurtz said...

I believe it’s a normal response to be obsessed with ourselves after all the physical and emotional stress brought to us by divorce. Yes, we might have enjoyed the presence of our support group, yet how we treat ourselves when we’re left alone matters most. Stay clear of negative thoughts, take good care of yourself, and be thankful that you were given a chance to be a better person. Have a great day, Regina!

Howard Kurtz @ Kurtz & Blum, PLLC

Regina Rodríguez-Martin said...

Thank you, Howard Kurtz.

Sandra Walker said...

Marriage, just like the eco-system, needs to be balanced for it to remain strong and existing. Both the husband and the wife should learn to give and take to make sure that the foundation of their relationship would be stronger, no matter what. Anyway, it’s nice to know that you’ve been enjoying the time you're having for yourself. It never hurts to think about yourself, especially if it’s for the healing of your broken heart. I do hope you’ll be able to continue your journey by seeking what’s right for you and what can make you happy. All the best to you! :)

Sandra Walker

Lahoma Carmona said...

It is always best to at think about yourself first. Now that you and Bob are divorced, you should use your extra time thinking about "You". Writing a blog is beneficial, but there are things that you can do to get the focus back on you, like going on a vacation by yourself. Anyways, that's just my two cents. I hope that you are doing well!

Lahoma Carmona @