Friday, September 08, 2017

You might be clinically depressed if

You might be clinically depressed if:

  • you're back on cigarettes or junk food or alcohol or shopping or whatever your addiction is that you've been trying to kick for decades.
  • you can't concentrate on work for more than a few minutes at a time.
  • the long minutes you spend not doing work increases the feelings of guilt you already had.
  • blogging seems like a bad idea just a few minutes into a post.
  • you focus on your most vulnerable areas and pound yourself with criticism.
  • you're crying more than usual.
  • absolutely nothing has happened to make you feel this way. 
  • you don't want to be alone, so you start texting friends.
  • you realize you shouldn't inflict yourself on others, so you stop texting friends.
  • life, once again, feels too hard and you wonder how you ever saw it any other way.
  • you envy people going through life-endangering crises because they have a chance to die or at least have their minds absorbed by a bigger and more important disaster than their own failings.
  • you want to just sleep and sleep.
  • you regret having caffeine because now you can't just sleep and sleep.
  • you need someone to understand this.
  • it feels like the only people who understand this fall apart when you try to lean on them.
  • you've had your meds, your natural supplements, your herbal tea, your exercise, your meditation and your full night's sleep and still the heaviness is back.
  • you dread the long, empty weekend before you.
  • you're so tired of being you.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

"Off their meds" jokes

On July 26th, Stephen Colbert commented on El Idiota's tweet that transgender people will no longer be allowed in the U.S. military. He said, "Today I really think he's off his meds because today he went from crazy to cruel."

To anyone reading this: please stop making "off their meds" jokes because they're insulting to those of us who take daily medication to manage a mood disorder. Such comments suggest that not taking our medication makes us jerks, assholes, idiots, dangerous or offensive to others. In case you don't know it: mood disorders are not characterized by stupidity, cruelty, offensiveness, meanness and the people we're most dangerous to are ourselves. It was the height of insult for Stephen to suggest that El Idiota's behavior is characteristic of someone with a mood disorder. I like Stephen and watch his show a lot, but that "joke" made me angry.

More people than you think take daily medication for mood disorders and chances are, you're hurting someone when you say those things. So please don't do it, and please have the courage to stop others when they do it.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Weight loosening

Here's an update on how my attempt to lose some fatness is going: it's...kind of...going. Since I last posted about my continued fatness two months ago, I had some pretty discouraging weeks. This is what I filled them with:

1. I tried to exercise more, which is to say exercise at all. And then I stopped again.

2. Same old tug-of-war between my sweet tooth and my desire to eat better.

3. Discouragement, frustration, self-loathing.

4. Staying on my meds and seeing my professionals regularly (yay!).

5. Getting help from Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping) guru Brad Yates. This was the best thing I did: I committed to tapping every day with his video called "Love Your Body (weight loss??)" (I started on June 10th).

At a loss as to how to make myself eat better, exercise, stop bingeing on sweets and stop hating myself, I committed to tapping with Brad on YouTube every day because I didn't know what else to do. For seven weeks it got me no results at all. I had trouble with his phrase "I love my body," so I changed it to "I accept my body" and when I couldn't do that either, I changed it to "I take good care of my body."

That phrase worked. In late June, I re-read a book on the Indian ayurvedic approach to health and found that its tips on how to eat well felt right for me. My digestion improved. My mood stabilized. My hunger reduced. I felt satisfied with less food and less meat. But my favorite shorts still felt uncomfortably tight and there was no change in my weight.

So I kept tapping with Brad in spite of my frustratration. In late July, I decided to re-read Linda Bacon's Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth about Your Weight. It led me to consider what emotional reasons might still be causing me to hold onto my fatness.

Keep in mind: I've been doing EFT for years on my emotional reasons for staying fat (they had to do with my former marriage, fear of love, fear of life, etc). For years I've been clearing those reasons out: tapping and clearing, tapping and clearing. My weight went down to 155 in 2015, but went back up to 170 in 2016, and up to 189 during my major depression in 2017. I've been well aware of my emotional connection with fat. But clearly there was more to do.

So I sat down and imagined myself at different weights and in different situations and realized I still had a fear of being seen in public. That fear made staying fat feel safer. So I worked through that fear last weekend, with plenty of tapping, crying and visualization. I also needed some cookies, ice cream and Ho Ho's, so I had those I without beating up on myself for doing it.

And I felt that fear move. And I felt it clear.

Last Monday I tried on my favorite shorts again...and they were loose. Loose! Even though I'd had cookies and ice cream and Ho Ho's! How does that work? I don't know. I spent Monday feeling stunned and disbelieving and it wasn't until Tuesday that excitement and gratitude kicked in. 

Today I feel hope and I'm committed to tapping with Brad for as long as it takes to clear the rest of my fears about being thin, which I imagine will keep coming up as the weight comes off. (Brad Yates has many YouTube videos on all kinds of topics. You can also find one to teach you how to tap.) 

I'm clinically obese right now and will be for another 25 pounds. In fact, I might not reach thinness, but if I can just give my lungs most of their breathing room back and bend easily to buckle my sandals, I'll be glad. Is it possible? I think it is.

Wednesday, August 09, 2017

The Word "Lady," Part One

Re-posting this from 2012 because it feels like it needs to be said again. With editorial changes.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the Midwest who uses the words "woman" and "women" instead of "lady" and "ladies." Am I the only one who learned during the 1980s that "lady" is euphemistic and sexist? Am I the only one who doesn't think it's rude to call someone a "woman?"

Historically, the terms "lady" and "gentleman" connoted a standard of social behavior and social standing. A “lady,” in particular, was supposed to be modest, pure, clean, asexual, etc. All women aspired to be "ladies." "Ladies" were higher class and more strongly marked as feminine, which often meant needing to be taken care of, handled with delicacy and shielded from the rough world of men.

Clearly, most Americans no longer see women as needing to be shielded from the "men's" world. So why do we default to using the word "lady" instead of the unmarked word "woman?"

Many Midwesterners (I live in Chicago) argue that when they use the word "lady," they aren't using it with it's old historical meaning. It's just a word now. But I argue that any use of unequal terms perpetuates inequality. If Americans used the word “gentlemen” in our daily speech as much as we use "ladies," we would be using equal terms. But we don't. We use “men." We call men "men" and women "ladies." When English speakers shifted to prefering the word "men" over "gentlemen," why didn’t we make a similar shift to the word “women?”

I believe it's because people -- however unconsciously -- still imagine that our females are polite, feminine, delicate people who need shielding from the world of males. A man can be any kind of man, but we prefer a woman to "act like a lady," with certain expectations of restrained appearance and behavior. Even for people who don't believe this, using the word "lady" when we don't use the word "gentleman" equally, evokes the double standard of behavior we all grew up with: boys will be boys, but girls must become little ladies as soon as possible. 

Using the word “ladies” when we’re not using the equivalent term “gentlemen” reflects our historical sexism. I'm a woman, unmarked and free, but each time someone refers to me as a "lady" I feel suggested expectations of ladylike behavior: "ladies" don't use swear words, sit with their knees apart, burp in public or make their sexual desires clear. None of those protocols appeal to me, so please don't bother calling me a "lady."

If you're one of those people who only feels comfortable calling women “ladies, ” then at least be consistent about also calling men “gentlemen.” Belief in equality is reflected in using equal terms for females and males, such as talking about "men and women," or “girls and boys." Referring to females as "girls" or "ladies" in the same breath that you refer to males as "men" is offensive.

Speaking of offensive, I don't know when it became rude to call someone a "woman." No one acts like it's rude to call someone a "man." In fact, "being a man" is seen as admirable. But I've had people tell me that they use "lady" because it sounds young while "woman" sounds old, and that "lady" sounds familiar while "woman" sounds distancing. These views indicate that the word "woman" has some negative associations. I cry out in the midst of the heartland: Does no one see the sexism in how the word "woman" has negative associations while "man" does not? And don't you want to push back against that by using the word "woman" in a neutral or positive way? It seems they don't.

My Midwestern friends are bewildered by these views. They think "ladies" is a perfectly innocent word that's respectful and polite. I'm the odd one out on this one, probably because I came of age in the San Francisco Bay Area in the 1980s. But I can't ignore the connotations of that word, especially contrasted with the less-than-neutral view of the word "woman." And it's especially hard for me to hear the terms "men" and "ladies" used as if they're equivalent. When someone is referring to full grown adults, I find "men and ladies" just as insulting as "men and girls."

Stop thinking that just because you mean no harm, you're causing no harm by using historically specific words (people also use that defense when they use words like "retard" and "n-----"). I'm a woman: strong, equal to men and not afraid to be impolite. Let's take the negative meanings off of the word "woman" and call things as they really are.  The word "lady," part two.

Thursday, August 03, 2017

My Black Is Beautiful

"The Talk" is a TV commercial for Proctor & Gamble that shows conversations between Black parents and their Black children about the realities of their lives in the U.S. The ad was done by BBDO New York advertising agency and was released in July.

Let us not forget that this is how it is: both the message of the commercial and the conservative backlash that calls it racist.

Tuesday, August 01, 2017

Only Bad Owners

Sunlight skipped off the surface of the lake and pierced the eyes of the dog owners and their charges.

"Oh, Dan," said Imelda. "The new laws about dogs who attack people are so strict. Don't you think?"

Dan turned away from his Great Dane, who was tentatively stepping into the low surf, and said, "Hey, if you can't control your dog, it's three strikes you're out. People shouldn't even own dogs if they don't know how to properly take care of them. And taking care of them means conditioning them to get along with other people and animals."

"But to make the penalty death? After just three attacks whether or not the dog actually bites anyone?"

Dan turned to Imelda and glared, "If it keeps idiots from mismanaging their dogs, I'm all for it. Are you worried that Malachite might go out of control on someone?"

"No, of course not!" Imelda scanned for her red boxer, finding him snuffling in the sand several yards away. "He's had nothing but the best from the very beginning. He wouldn't hurt a squirrel."

"Well, then I guess we have nothing to worry about. Bilby! Here, Bilby!" The Great Dane loped over to her owner. As Dan led his dog out off the beach, he said, "See you later."

Imelda watched the two of them pass the gate with the out-of-date sign that said the beach was for people only. No, they didn't have to worry, but she knew someone who did. Since the revised law for dog attacks was passed, one of her neighbors had gotten a German Shepherd rescue dog. It was the cutest thing, but at two years old, it hadn't been socialized well. It eyed everyone suspiciously and even snapped at Larry, its new owner. Twice while Larry was trying to train it to walk on a leash, it lunged at someone who hadn't paid attention when Larry had warned them to stay back. Twice. One more time and someone wasn't going to be going on any more walks.

Imelda let her eyes drift over the lifeguard's chair. The woman in it had binoculars to her face, scouring the water for the slightest sign that a dog was in trouble. Imelda felt better since they'd increased the lifeguards on this beach. Her Malachite liked water, but tired easily and Imelda wasn't quite strong enough to lift him herself.

The next day Imelda happened to open an email that gave updates on local news. She ignored the latest crime statistics and announcements about new businesses and then gasped at the item in the "Loving Our Babies" section.

It had happened. Larry's dog had bitten a third person and that was it. Imelda started to email a fellow dog owner, decided that wasn't fast enough, and picked up her phone to dial. She got her friend's voicemail.

"Malaquito!" she called her boxer. "Let's go for a walk!" She hustled the two of them out the door and towards the beach.

"Dan!" Imelda staggered over the sand to the first person she knew. "Did you hear? Larry's dog tried to bite someone three times. He'll be the first person caught by the new law!"

"Yup," Dan said. "That's how it goes."

"But it's not right!"

Dan looked coldly at Imelda. "There are no bad dogs, Imelda. Only bad owners. If you're too imcompetent to train your dog to behave, you get what's coming to you."

Imelda gazed at the shining water, speckled with frolicking dogs. "But Larry's not a bad person," she said mournfully. "He doesn't deserve to die."

They stood in silence for a minute. Then Dan said, "At least his dog will get a second chance with a better owner."

Monday, July 31, 2017


Laura knew as soon as she walked into Georgina’s bright apartment that her friend wasn’t having a good day. Georgina looked sad as she greeted Laura and led her to the brightly colored sofa.

“What’s wrong?” Laura asked.

Georgina’s face crumpled immediately.  “I just feel,” she hesitated. “Bad.”

She grabbed a kleenex while Laura waited. Laura had learned that a conversation with Georgina sometimes needed a lot of silence. Georgina dabbed at her eyes and blew her nose.

“I know it must be partly that I haven’t been taking care of myself and that always affects my mood. In fact, it could totally just be moodiness because I’ve been eating so many sweets. But really,” the tears started again, “I just don’t feel like anyone thinks I’m attractive anymore.”

Laura put her hand on Georgina’s shoulder while she buried her face in the tissue. “Why would you think that?”

“Because I’m huge,” Georgina wailed, “And no one ever tells me anymore that I look nice or I look good, even when I wear a new dress. I just don’t get anyone’s attention anymore and I know it’s because I’m fat. I’m too fat and I just keep getting fatter.”

Georgina wept and rocked back and forth while Laura put her arm further around her soft shoulders. She let her friend cry it out for a couple of minutes. Sure, Georgina was carrying an extra 60 pounds, but Laura knew it was her charm, sense of humor and intelligence that kept her numerous friends in her life. Georgina was one of the most fascinating people Laura knew and people marveled to Laura all the time how unique and wonderful Georgina was and how lucky they felt to know her.

“Georgina,” she finally murmured. “If you feel like you’re not getting as much attention as you used to, it might not be about your weight. Maybe you used to be thinner, but you also used to be younger. It might just be that you’re old.”

Georgina stopped crying, raised her head and stared at a corner of the room. “You’re just trying to make me feel better,” she said. She dried her eyes. “Do you really think it’s about my age?”

Laura nodded. “It makes more sense. A lot of young women are fat and still get plenty of attention.”

Georgina considered this, took a deep breath and let it out. “Well, there’s nothing I can do about my age. Shall we go to lunch?”

Laura smiled at her friend. “I’m glad you can still see reason. Let’s go.”

Monday, July 03, 2017

Stop the trash talk about Trump supporters

Many liberals and people on the political left think people who support Trump are idiots. We keep hoping the latest Trump tweet or "misstep" will convince people who voted for Trump that they backed the wrong guy and it's time to agitate against him. And the exasperation, if not fury, of the left grows each time Trump supporters show that they still support him.

When are we going to stop it? The conviction that people who support Trump are a bunch of idiots is insulting to the very idea of democracy. Remember how the Clinton campaign dismissed large parts of working class America and then choked on election day? We liberals and leftists who rant about the IQ of people who voted for Trump are still doing the same thing.

I know people of color who ask why we should we spend any more time listening to white people. Okay, that's a good point. It's true that since the dominant American culture is white, we've been listening to what white people think our whole lives. But have we been listening to white people like Trump voters or white people like Hillary Clinton who excluded an entire demographic from her campaign focus? To lump in people who support Trump with all the other white noise we've been listening to our whole lives is to make the mistake of saying that all white people think the same way. Obviously, they don't.

Do we really think that insulting people is how we're going to lead them toward the light of our reason? If we're going to accuse Donald Trump of antagonizing people, then it doesn't make sense for us to do the same thing. The whole country is emotional right now and I feel the same disgust and anger that many people feel, but I still don't think it's appropriate to say, tweet, write, post or yell about how stupid people are to support Trump.

How about trying to put ourselves in their shoes for a minute? Yes, I know: we people of color have been bending over backwards for white people for centuries so why should we do it again? This is why: because our country is seriously F#$%-ed up these days and we can only un-F#$% it by going above and beyond everything else we've ever attempted. Here's what it looks like from the point of view of people who support Donald Trump:

Trump has his flaws, but he's the best person to steer the United States right now. Institutions like the media have been appropriated by leftists who want the further deterioration of the things that made America the leader of democracy. Trump's the guy to shake up things up, including the government itself. 

Every time he takes on the media, he takes a stand against their attempts to sabotage our American ideals. Of course we know he's not the perfect Christian or the perfect human being, but you don't have to be a saint to be an instrument of positive change. Every time Trump does something that makes the Republicans cringe and the Democrats howl and the leftists shout "Unpresidential" and "Impeach him" it's ridiculous. He's no worse than other presidents we've had, and we've had some terrible ones. Sure, some of what he does looks a little goofy even to us, but that's not important. We don't need a "presidential" president. We need him because by the time he's done, we'll have the right people in charge and the right priorities back.

So, my liberal and leftist friends, do you see why it makes no sense to rant against Trump supporters? They aren't listening and all we're doing is raising our blood pressure. It's not that I'm against discussion. I think it is productive to discuss Donald Trump with people who might join us in opposing his policies. That can be an excellent way to connect. But the name-calling and blatant disgust for people who support Trump is dehumanizing. We're dehumanizing others in the same way that we criticize others for doing. 

The White House and many members of Congress are willing to strip millions of people of health care because they don't have the empathy to understand what it's like to be unable to get health care. Let's stop demonstrating the same lack of empathy for people who don't agree with us about whether Trump should be president. Public figures keep calling for more respect and civility. What's at the core of that is accepting everyone as a human being, worthy of taking up space in the country. Just because Trump dehumanizes us, doesn't mean we have to dehumanize him or his followers. Let's not dehumanize anyone, eh? So let's stop talking trash about Trump supporters.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

El amanecer

Shrieking Dawn was a nutjob
And even though she's dead is a nutjob still.
But even if I can't get her gibbering chorus out of my head,
I can at least stop dancing to it.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Comey Day

Maybe many are ignoring it, but on Thursday morning I watched James Comey's testimony before the senate and I noticed parallels in the dynamic between Trump and Comey and any sexual assault case.

First, Comey said he never wanted to be physically alone with Trump and tried to avoid him. Then there's the way Trump not only aggressively pursued Comey, but used isolation techniques to weaken Comey's defense. And, of course, there's the way the whole thing is described as a "He said - he said" situation.

On Thursday morning I also noticed the number of times Republican senators asked Comey things like "If you thought your conversation was inappropriate, why didn't you tell the president he was being inappropriate?" and "After that conversation, why didn't you tell your superiors about it?" Comey responded by saying that he had been too stunned by the impropriety and didn't have the presence of mind to tell the president not to contact him again. I even said to the TV as I watched, "Maybe Comey was asking for it, right?" Putting on trial the person who was the target of the harassment is a classic part of investigating inappropriate interactions.

They only left out questions like, "What were you wearing?" and "Haven't you willingly been alone with other high-ranking officials of the U.S. government?"

Sunday, June 04, 2017


Here's some interesting stuff:

1. A 2008 documentary called My Big Fat Body shows comedian Frank Payne undergoing a series of tests to find out the health status of his over 300-pound body (over 160 kilos). If your Body Mass Index is over 30 (which mine is), it's a very sobering fim. It made me imagine my organs wrapped in yellow fat and my liver shot through with fat. It reminded me that my fat takes up room that my lungs need and makes my throat narrower. It made me think about how my skeleton is compromised by my extra weight (my extra is about 50 lbs/23 kgs) and how my arms can't even rest naturally at my sides because of the fat in the way. The film pointed out that leg and foot joints are stressed by twice a person's weight each time they take a step. So each of my knees has to manage about 366 pounds with each step. Ugh! Some of this I knew, but remembering it was just as alarming as learning the new information.

Frank's doctors also tell him that his vital signs and tests show that he has a high probability of having a heart attack. So Frank spends about three months exercising and adjusting what he eats and loses some weight. He looks better, feels better and at the end of the film he announces that he'll continue his new habits so he can live a full life. After watching this documentary, I googled Frank to see what happened next. Well, I don't know if he stuck to his healthy lifestyle -- and maybe he did -- but I found his obituary showing that he died in 2012, four years after his documentary was released. Talk about a wake-up call.

2. Another film called Facing the Fat (2010) shows a man named Kenny Saylors who weighs even more than Frank did at the beginning of his film. His experiment is to fast for 40 days, taking in nothing but water. His experience repeats some of what Frank went through, but he doesn't lose as much as he expected to (he ends up fasting for 55 days). I looked him up, too. He now has a Facebook page called Reinventing Kenny where he's documenting his renewed attempt to lose weight (since doing the documentary he had put on even more weight, hitting a new high).

What struck me on Kenny's page is that he says this time he's using exercise and diet, and he says he's losing more weight doing it that way than he did with the water fast. Diet and exercise cause Kenny better weight loss results than eating nothing at all. There's an eye opener!

3. After going through a major depressive episode earlier this year, I realized that a big part of my 2016 weight gain was mood swings. When I hit the bleakest period of this depression in March and April 2017, I really laid into the cookies, snack cakes and other baked sweets. Once doctors changed my anti-depressant and it started taking effect, I was able to re-evaluate my habits.

2017 has definitely been the year of binge-ing for me. I've hit a new high weight, even higher than it was the year my husband ended our marriage and my mother died. But with the help of my new meds, plus sessions with a zen shiatsu massage therapist, just in the last week I've finally been able to put down the Little Debbie Swiss Rolls (yeah, I'm sure they look disgusting to you, but this is what I get hooked on).

One thing Kenny and I have in common is that we were thin kids and then thin adults until we suddenly (in less than a year's time) put on pounds and pounds of fat in reaction to emotional life circumstances. I can tell he feels as I do: I'm obese, but this is not my body. I've got to get back to who I really am and that means losing all this extra fat and getting back into the clothes I wore in 2012. But that's not realistic. At the age of 50, I'm probably not going to wear a size 8 again. But I'm sure I can at least give my lungs their breathing room back. I can at least bring down the abdominal bulge that makes it hard to buckle my sandals. I'm sure of that much.

My fatness on 4 June 2017
Speaking of my abdominal bulge, that's the most dangerous kind of fat, and I need to reduce it, but fortunately I might not have to lose all 50 pounds. So Stressed: The Ultimate Stress-Relief Plan for Women by M.Ds Stephanie McClellan and Beth Hamilton, says "Exercise has a beneficial effect on how fat is distributed on your body by reducing abdominal fat and increasing lean mass, independent of weight loss." This is extremely enouraging! So even if I'm too old and unhealthy to actually become slim again, I can still reduce the health risks of the fat I'm carrying.

So, once again I've committed to exercise at least four days a week, I've backed off the sweets and I'm eating more produce and nuts. I've decided that if I have to have bread or cookies, I have to bake them myself, making the ingredients as healthy and low-sugar as possible, plus slowing down my consumption. It's like the Japanese proverb I've been seeing in more and more places: Fall down seven times; stand up eight. I have failed so many times to kick my sugar addiction, to become genuinely healthy, and to stop feeding myself junk. So! Here I go again.

Sunday, May 07, 2017

If they died from suicide

I've suffered from depression for most of my life and have had a couple of major episodes. There have been times when I decided dying would be better than living and while I'm not proud of that, I'm also not ashamed of it. My illness has caused lots of irrational thinking, but so far, I'm still here.

Chronic depression is a mental illness - emphasis on the word illness. You can't snap out of it or overcome it with activity, will power or positive thinking. Depression is an emotional disorder caused by the brain's inability to maintain the chemical balance required for normal functioning. It's a physical disease just as much as hypertension and diabetes are physical diseases. And that's why, when someone dies from suicide, no one should beat themselves up for failing to stop it. Suicidal depression can be extremely hard to identify and, like high blood pressure and diabetes, when it ends in death, no one is to blame.

When they hear that someone took their life, people who don't understand suicidal depression invariably react with things like,
How could she do that?
Why did he do that when he had everything to live for?
She took the coward's way out.
How selfish of him.

They act as if suicide was a lucid action taken by someone who clearly looked at all the options, added up the numbers and made a reasoned decision. Bizarrely, people who react that way are often the first to judge someone's actions with she must be crazy. For some reason, when someone really does act out of insanity, these judgmental people switch to seeing the person as selfish or cowardly instead of ill. 

What was really going on was that someone whose suicidal depression reached the point of death was in a state of serious illness. When someone reaches that point, there's nothing that can help them except for professional help such as hospitalization, medication and therapy. 

But sometimes even the best professional treatment isn't enough and that's why people who find out that someone they know killed herself/himself should not feel responsible. I say this to anyone suffering the emotional aftermath of a suicide. Because suicidal depression is an illness, it's not influenced by things that would cheer someone up if they were just going through "the blues." When someone's having a bad day, you might be able to pull them out of it through conversation, humor or activity. But suicidal depression is not an emotion. It's a set of symptoms caused by a malfunctioning brain. It's a physical disease with behavioral symptoms. Your actions and words will rarely have any effect at all on a disease like this when it's at its worst.

Because people misunderstand suicidal depression as being in a bad mood, they think their actions could have made a difference, but they couldn't have. If, instead of suicide, the person had passed away after years of managing high blood pressure or Alzheimer's or a lower respiratory disease, would you believe they would have lived if only you had done more? Would you be plagued by the guilt of "If only I'd made more time for her, she'd still be here today?" No, you wouldn't. If someone died from Alzheimer's or a lower respiratory disease or a heart attack, you might feel guilty for not having given her more attention while she was alive, but you wouldn't feel responsible for her death. Likewise, with someone who has killed herself, more visits, texts or I-love-you's would not have made the difference. Once someone begins planning her death, her brain has tipped so far out of chemical balance that it's producing little else but irrational thinking. She needs professional help.

Maybe you think that because it's the person's own hand that caused his death, there must have been a way to stop it. Well, I suppose if you lock up such a person on suicide watch permanently you might physically keep him alive, but you can only do that once you've realized how dangerous he is to himself. Unfortunately, suicidal depression is often too tricky for even family members to identify. People in the worst of a major depression might give hints about wanting to kill themselves, but those who are most determined to do it usually give the fewest clues. This makes sense to me. If someone is absolutely convinced that ending his life will be best for all concerned, why would he give anyone a chance to stop him? He won't. He'll just do it. Because suicidal depression can be that hidden and wily, no one should feel bad that they didn't see it.

People who kill themselves sometimes leave notes apologizing for the pain their death will cause (many kill themselves in the symptomatic delusion that no one will care, so they don't leave notes). As someone who's been on the inside of suicidal depression, I know that remorse is real: they know there will be pain, but they've weighed the pain of their death against the pain of their life and have decided that dying is the better option. But as much as their disease has twisted their thinking, the lucid part of them makes this final attempt to connect. With such a note, the person about to take her life tries to relieve her family and friends of feelings of responsibility and guilt, as someone dying of cancer would try to alleviate her family's pain.

Both the person who dies of suicide and the one who dies of cancer knows there's no one to blame and no one who could have done anything more for them. Please take that to heart. While you grieve your loss, feel your sadness and wonder why this happened to your family member or friend, please don't add to your pain by thinking there was anything you could have done to change this outcome. There really wasn't.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Obesity crisis is mental health crisis

At the age of 50, I'm now on my fifth year of being fat. When I went from size 10 to size 18 in the last months of my marriage in 2013, I thought, "I'm not worried about gaining weight. I've been thin and active my whole life. I'll take this weight off as soon as my life gets back to normal." Obviously that didn't happen, and since 2015 I've been very focused on at least dropping about 20 of the 50 extra pounds I'm carrying (I'm only 5'2" so those pounds really count).

But I'm trying to take it easy on myself these days. Here's a theory I recently came up with: many of us are fat because we need mental health services. Many people struggle with chronic depression or other mood disorders and the easiest and cheapest way to self-medicate is with food. We're trying to get through the days without the psychiatric treatment we need, or our medication has stopped working, or we just got on medication but it hasn't kicked in yet and we feel like hell all the time. We're tired or angry or discouraged or self-loathing or hopeless or numb or despondent or can't get out of bed or we're any combination of those. So what's quick and easy and cheap and has an immediate effect on mood and energy? Food. Whether it's sweets or alcohol or fried stuff, the key is carbohydrates. Carbohydrates turn into sugar and that gives our brains the serotonin they desperately need, so we can get through the workday or the party or the conversation with our spouse. But while our brains need the chemical reaction those carbs cause, our bodies don't need the energy, so we pack on the extra calories as fat. And the fat just builds and stays and builds and stays and no amount of dieting or exercise can counteract that process.

It's a horrible problem. I believe a large part of the obese Americans we all scorn are managing our moods and energy with food. And while mood management is the reason we eat and drink the way we do, there's no way we can lose an ounce by trying to eat less and move more. I believe our obesity crisis might actually be a mental health crisis.

We have such disgust for fat people, but what's more important: being thin or not committing suicide after the depression takes over and tells you it's time to die? On good days I have a clear answer to that. So I'll be fat because for now being fat seems like it's probably better than being dead. Probably.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Dating while depressed

When you're in a major depressive episode, get off your dating apps. I'm not talking about having a blue day. I'm talking about the chronic emotional disorder: clinical major depression that warps your view of the world. If you suffer from this and you're single and you've been trying to meet someone, but you find yourself at the bottom of that hole once again, get off OK Cupid and Tinder and Plenty of Fish or you might have exchanges like this.

Him: Hi. You're beautiful.
You: Hi.
Him: I'd like to get to know you.
You: How are you with moody depressives?
Him: Good as long as they're at least half nude.
You: Never mind.

Or like this.

Him: Hello. How are you?
You: Not good.
Him: Why not?
You: Life sucks.
Him: How so?
You: Haven't you noticed?
Him: No.

And then you can't be bothered to respond because he's obviously delusional.

Being in a major depressive episode can make you not care about anything and see others as in another world that has nothing to do with you. Of course most people have no idea what chronic depression really is and if you have a conversation with them, they might try to make you feel better. I made the mistake of having an initial phone call with a very nice man, telling him about my mental condition and then having to listen to story after story of how he had dealt with adversity. He seemed to hope his optimism would inspire me and that after hearing how his grandmother told him to pull himself together, I'd say, "Hey, I feel better now! Thanks." Instead, he talked and talked and I became increasingly bored and sleepy until he muttered that I didn't "get it" and we ended the call.

It might seem like those quick-contact apps and websites can alleviate your feeling of isolation, but they really won't. If you're a woman with good photos on your profile, you can get someone's attention pretty easily, but interacting with him will just lead you back to the conclusion that you're incapable of normal human behavior and ever being loved. So just don't do it.

What do you do instead? I don't know. If you've already called your psychiatrist and had your medication adjusted and talked to your therapist and spent time with friends and gotten some exercise and meditated and had a good night's sleep, then maybe try another box of donuts.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Stop asking: where are you from?

We Americans, especially those of us in urban places like the Chicagoland area, often welcome the chance to meet international people and hope to expand our knowledge of the world. When we notice that someone seems like they're from another place, we ask, "Where are you from?" We think it will sound engaging and lead to an interesting exchange. Maybe we'll learn something new. Unfortunately, it's not always the best question to start with. It can cause discomfort, and I'd even say it's best not to ask it at all.

Maybe you wonder How can that be? We mean "Where are you from" in the nicest of ways! Yes, we do mean it in the nicest of ways, but I'll now talk about the feedback I've received from many of my international clients and friends who moved the U.S. as adults. They tell me that being asked "Where are you from" rarely feels like a friendly question. It usually feels like the American has just noticed that the immigrant doesn't belong here and the American wants to figure out what's out of place. Often, an ex-pat just wants to blend into the party or the networking event or the office, and they don't want to draw attention. They're looking to make friends or professional connections and they want to be accepted the same as everyone else. In this context, the question "Where are you from?" can feel jarring. I've heard this consistently from people from across the globe, even white, European professionals.

The exception is when it's part of the natural flow of the conversation. If everyone's chatting about where everyone is from, then it feels right for an international person to also answer. Or if an ex-pat has just said something like, "I just moved to Chicago last month," then asking where they came from can be perfectly acceptable.

It's not that Americans should never ask "Where are you from?" The problem is the context in which we ask it. If the conversation takes an abrupt shift to ask it or if the question is used as an opening line or ice-breaker, it can feel awkward. When it comes out of nowhere like that, it's often followed by the American asking questions about the person's home country or saying things like "I love that food" or "I've been meaning go there. Where would you suggest I visit?" At that point, the exchange often turns into a lesson on the person's home country, with the international being nudged into the teaching role. Sometimes they're fine with that, but often they're not. Although they'll be too polite to ever let on, they often don't want to be an instructor. They'll hide it, but they'd rather talk about something that doesn't make them the center of attention.

When you meet someone from another country and you want to make them feel comfortable, save the "Where are you from?" question until it feels like it naturally fits into the flow of the conversation. Much better is to not ask it at all, but wait until the immigrant offers that information on their own. If you talk long enough, or become their friend, it will probably come up later. If you can keep your curiosity to yourself, you can find out more about the individual as a person, not as a representative from another country. There are plenty of other things to talk about with anyone you've just met. If an international professional mentions that they're from Thailand and you've always had a million questions about Thailand, make a note to do your own research and focus on getting to know the human being in front of you. That will feel more welcoming to the person than a bunch of questions that you can find the answers to on the internet.

These aren't some new politically correct rules I made up just to be annoying. I say all of this as an American culture coach who interacts with and works with international professionals every week. This is based on feedback from immigrants trying to build their lives in the U.S. And a friend who has lived abroad confirms my advice. He's a white American and when he's abroad and gets asked "Where are you from?" it feels like the person wants to figure out what set of stereotypical behaviors they can expect from him.

Please keep in mind that American people of color don't like getting that question either. It feels like the questioner has identified us as looking like we aren't from the U.S. and they want to know what box or label to use for us. In general, the question simply feels rude, so please just don't ask it unless the conversation truly makes it appropriate to the discussion you're having at that moment.

On a recent podcast NPR's Code Switch panel discussed how bad "Where are you from?" feels. Listen here (the relevant part starts at 9 minutes and 45 seconds). 

Friday, February 17, 2017

El Idiota's positive thinking

Americans like to believe we're bending towards justice, but we can no longer tell ourselves that now that we've elected Donald (or as my dad calls him, El Payaso) as our president. And those of us who didn't directly cast a vote for him, still allowed him to be elected. We did this. I've heard this many times: "It doesn't really matter if we have a Republican or Democratic president. American politics never really change." Does anyone still say that? Does anyone say it who doesn't use it to hide that they voted for that man and they don't want to talk about it? Does anyone truly believe that if Clinton had been elected, millions of us would still be terrified of being deported, of losing our health insurance, of losing access to birth control and abortion services, of having a former Breitbart editor as a White House advisor? I think we can finally stop pretending that it doesn't materially matter if a Democrat or a Republican takes the White House. It matters.

I've managed chronic depression for decades and I was going through a bad episode in the weeks before the election on November 8, 2016. Incredibly, my depression broke the day after Trump (or as I call him, El Idiota) was elected and it hasn't come back. I think I'm currently experiencing what people without mental illness have: a painfully clear-eyed view of just how fucked we all are, without the dulling fog of depression to insulate me from the sharp edges. It's a different kind of pain, a broader fear, a bigger feeling of hopelessness. In depression, I feel certain that I can't do anything to improve my life, but now I feel certain I can't do anything to improve our national situation. Before, it felt like I was trapped inside my mind. Now I feel like I'm trapped inside of life in general, along with everyone else on the planet.

How exquisite to emerge from my lifelong purgatory of mental illness just in time to face the disempowerment and persecution of so much of the population in general. As many times as I've longed to be rid of my emotional disorder, I never imagined it feeling like this. Or maybe the world was always like this. Maybe life is just moving through one nightmare after another.

Of the people who voted for El Idiota because he wasn't a politician, I wonder, "How do you feel about salespeople?" Because, while he's not a politician, he is a salesperson, using marketing techniques every time he uses words. He repeats things until we believe them, just like companies such as McDonald's, Coke, General Electric and countless other sellers of things. El Idiota incants phrases like "the failing New York Times" and "fake news" and if we let him, he'll hypnotize us into believing that we really can't trust any news except that which comes from his Twitter feed.

Nineteen days ago I had major surgery, so February has been a haze of painkillers, long naps and staggering around my apartment with a walker and then a cane. (If you live far from family, like me, build strong friendships and get to know your neighbors! Without those relationships, I wouldn't have been able to recuperate as I have been.) Through this haze I've begun ingesting some news for the first time since the election. It goes down easier when you're already on pain-dulling medication. Worse than El Idiota's executive orders, struggling appointments and information-blocking strategies is his insistence that his White House is running like a fine-tuned machine. I say that's the worst because those words aren't El Idiota spinning the facts or trying to pull the wool over our eyes. He truly believes everything is fine in his White House (aside from leaks). He's secure in his knowledge that he's doing everything perfectly and there's nothing to change or improve. He believes this and he'll repeat it until we believe it, too.

He's got Congress behind him, focused on those illegal leaks like a driver disabling that annoying oil light. He's creating the reality he wants. Growing up, El Idiota's family followed the teachings of people like Norman Vincent Peale who pioneered the phrase "the power of positive thinking." Peale taught that with the power of thinking, you can change the future, but the current American president has taken this further and believes that with the power of thinking, you can change the past. This president believes that with the power of his thinking, he can make reality whatever he wants it to be. Honestly, I don't see any reason to think he won't succeed. Over decades, Madison Avenue has trained Americans to respond to the marketing techniques El Idiota is using. He might very well cause the New York Times to fail. He might very well convince us that we can't trust any media but what he has personally produced.

I guess the good news is that more people than ever are ready to agitate, resist and take risks to secure our civil rights (if that's true). But we were already battling to improve American education, immigration policy, voting access, health care and equal rights for all. Now we're realizing that these battles are going to be twice or ten times as hard as they already have been. Do we have the stamina for that? The optimism? The posterboard?

I believe it's entirely possible that this will become his America and his world, and I think I prefer my mental illness to his.

Wednesday, January 04, 2017

I was on NPR!

Jerome McDonnell is the nicest person!
Hey, everyone: I was on NPR yesterday! National Public Radio (NPR) is a non-profit American news organization that provides news without advertising or government money. It's supported 100% by listerners and private grants. The Chicago station is WBEZ 91.5 FM and they have a program called Worldview.

Listen to Jerome McDonnell interview me on Worldview, a show that focuses on issues of interest to the Chicago international community. I was on the January 3, 2017 show!

Jerome and talked about the challenges that international professionals face. That is, white-collar immigrants who speak fluent English and came to Chicago with a job lined up or to go to school. Some people (especially Americans) might think such ex-pats don't face challenges compared to impoverished refugees or unemployed immigrants, but they do. As I told Jerome, my business is Welcome Dialogue LLC and it helps fluently English-speaking immigrants master American culture. The interview is only 15 minutes long, so please listen. And I'd love it if you let me know what you think! My favorite part of the interview is when I say the American accent isn't pretty.