Here's an update on how my attempt to lose some fatness is going: it's...kind of...going. Since I last posted about my continued fatness two months ago, I had some pretty discouraging weeks. This is what I filled them with:
1. I tried to exercise more, which is to say exercise at all. And then I stopped again.
2. Same old tug-of-war between my sweet tooth and my desire to eat better.
3. Discouragement, frustration, self-loathing.
4. Staying on my meds and seeing my professionals regularly (yay!).
5. Getting help from Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping) guru Brad Yates. This was the best thing I did: I committed to tapping every day with his video called "Love Your Body (weight loss??)" (I started on June 10th).
At a loss as to how to make myself eat better, exercise, stop bingeing on sweets and stop hating myself, I committed to tapping with Brad on YouTube every day because I didn't know what else to do. For seven weeks it got me no results at all. I had trouble with his phrase "I love my body," so I changed it to "I accept my body" and when I couldn't do that either, I changed it to "I take good care of my body."
That phrase worked. In late June, I re-read a book on the Indian ayurvedic approach to health and found that its tips on how to eat well felt right for me. My digestion improved. My mood stabilized. My hunger reduced. I felt satisfied with less food and less meat. But my favorite shorts still felt uncomfortably tight and there was no change in my weight.
So I kept tapping with Brad in spite of my frustratration. In late July, I decided to re-read Linda Bacon's Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth about Your Weight. It led me to consider what emotional reasons might still be causing me to hold onto my fatness.
Keep in mind: I've been doing EFT for years on my emotional reasons for staying fat (they had to do with my former marriage, fear of love, fear of life, etc). For years I've been clearing those reasons out: tapping and clearing, tapping and clearing. My weight went down to 155 in 2015, but went back up to 170 in 2016, and up to 189 during my major depression in 2017. I've been well aware of my emotional connection with fat. But clearly there was more to do.
So I sat down and imagined myself at different weights and in different situations and realized I still had a fear of being seen in public. That fear made staying fat feel safer. So I worked through that fear last weekend, with plenty of tapping, crying and visualization. I also needed some cookies, ice cream and Ho Ho's, so I had those I without beating up on myself for doing it.
And I felt that fear move. And I felt it clear.
Last Monday I tried on my favorite shorts again...and they were loose. Loose! Even though I'd had cookies and ice cream and Ho Ho's! How does that work? I don't know. I spent Monday feeling stunned and disbelieving and it wasn't until Tuesday that excitement and gratitude kicked in.
Today I feel hope and I'm committed to tapping with Brad for as long as it takes to clear the rest of my fears about being thin, which I imagine will keep coming up as the weight comes off. (Brad Yates has many YouTube videos on all kinds of topics. You can also find one to teach you how to tap.)
I'm clinically obese right now and will be for another 25 pounds. In fact, I might not reach thinness, but if I can just give my lungs most of their breathing room back and bend easily to buckle my sandals, I'll be glad. Is it possible? I think it is.